All the news that fits.

Not that anyone actually cares, but it’s been quite the busy couple of weeks at Casa de Locos. Let’s recap the high points, shall we?

The crazy neighbor had the final court date. The judge (finally) found her in contempt of the last court order and gave her 6 months- suspended. Provided she’s a good girl and does nothing to impede to county’s clean up of the horrendous mess. Well considering the day after this she showed up at the sheriff’s office with a bucket of black snakes- no I’m serious- and stated the property was infested, I expect more shenanigans are planned. If nothing else, it ought to make for some fireworks of some sort when they do finally show up. And apropos of nothing- where in the hell do you get a bucket of live black snakes in the dead of winter in the mountains??? Bat shit crazy I tell you, bat shit crazy..

Miss Thing now officially has her learner’s permit. Next, the wonderful task of behind the wheel training. I really have to borrow a video camera.. So I call my nice insurance guy, no really he’s a great guy, to ask if I have to do anything, and his first response was “Holy Shit!” This from a man I have known for over twenty years and have never heard utter a single curse word. He laughed and apologized, but couldn’t help himself, he couldn’t fathom for a moment that she could possibly be that old. Tell me about it..

The Hurricane got his braces off- stage one of this lovely process. And was quite the happy boy. Until they took x-rays and realized his adult canines are literally coming in sideways. Great.. So the poor kid has to have all four of the baby canines pulled, and is none too happy about the prospect. Neither is my wallet, but I guess coughing up 400 bucks to prevent the 2 grand we’ve already spent from getting screwed up is pretty much non-negotiable. Now I just have to find the 400 bucks.. Always something, isn’t it? But I ask you; seriously, these are baby teeth we’re talking about it can’t be all that darn involved, really! Would it work if I just had him start wiggling them for an hour a day? What a racket..

The Hurricane has a girlfriend. Part of me is thinking- Oh isn’t that precious?? The other part is thinking- Oh shit, now it starts.. He’s cute and the barn door is now open sister, you’re in trouble. Yes he’s mine and I’m supposed to think he’s adorable, blah blah blah . He’s adorable. Just ask Uncle Tate and Uncle Wills.. I do give the boy credit however, he picked a winner. Cute as a button, honors student, athlete and an older woman (11) to boot.

Just had to pick the truck up from the shop today- oh great there goes another 500 bucks down the drain.. Oh goody. Didn’t really need or want that. But I suppose anti lock brakes are one of those things you really can’t get around living at the top of a mountain.

Job hunt- it sucks. The hunting isn’t so bad; it’s the rejection part. Now I do more or less have the hide of a rhino, and I realize the market is tight right now, but seriously it is indeed an employers market out there. The last interview I had, whilst listening to the duties requested I was tempted to inquire if I would also be required to balance a basket of fruit on my head and dance the fucking flamenco as well.. Perhaps I’m just too old to tolerate stupid crap, that could be it. It certainly wasn’t the suit or the shoes..

Now that everyone is bored to tears, but assured I’m alive (thank you for your kind email inquiries) go on about doing something interesting with your extra day for this year..

Me and Jackie, we were tight like that..

Long ago in the dim recesses of time- you know the late seventies- I had an encounter in New York that dear Al inadvertently reminded me of the other day. I thought it might give him a smile.

I had more or less bailed on my very proper upbringing and ventured off to the wicked city to pursue my dream of being the next Gelsey Kirkand. Well, let’s just say that knees are a very poorly designed body part and we’ll leave it at that, shall we? Well yours truly was pretty much having a ball. Working hard at dancing, doing the occasional modeling gig to make some cash and partying my ass off more or less. I lived in a second floor walk up on Christopher Street. Yes, really. Myself, two anorexic psychotic models and a drag queen named Ramon/Ramona shared a two bedroom apartment. I opted to room with Ramona because the other two pretty well annoyed me. Let’s say it was a learning experience. All I know about makeup dears was learned there. I still miss you R..

I had met a quite fetching young man that I rather liked and he invited me to a very fancy gathering that his parents demanded he attend, a schmoozing thing for the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Well, as he was quite good looking, and let’s be real- completely loaded in the trust fund sort of cash reserve way, I accepted. Give me a break, I was flat broke and he was actually quite a nice guy in spite of the trust fund.

Well this did pose a bit of a problem. I had decamped to the metropolis with the leotards and such, the punk princess wear and the disco queen stuff. I had nothing even vaguely appropriate. So, I did what any sensible girl would do , I called my Mamma..

Well bless her heart, she called a shop she was quite well acquainted with and made an appointment for me to acquire something appropriate. While I never did learn what the conversation actually consisted of, I have a deep and abiding suspicion she said something to the effect of “put her in something by Monsieur de Givenchy- period.” Yes, I ended up with the quintessential Givenchy “little back dress”. And she naturally sprang for shoes and a bag, she was like that. You were indeed the best Mamma..

And it was a smashing dress. Very simple, immaculately tailored and I felt like a princess the moment I put it on. Trust fund boy and I arrived for this big soiree and I felt a rising sense of panic when we walked in. All the women were doing the late seventies pre “Dynasty” thing.. I felt like the ugly duckling in a room full of peacocks. Thus, I was feeling very awkward and quite out of place as the simple southern deb in her black dress and pearls.. The pater and mater were quite charming truthfully, and I proceeded to have actually a relatively pleasant evening.

And then it happened. The one and only Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis showed up. I must say I did consider fainting as an option. Really. While trying to be cool and not stare while she was making the quick rounds of the various loaded patrons, and I wasn’t the only one, I was literally captivated watching her.

She approached the mater and pater and did the quick, how lovely of you to come bit, and went to move along. She looked at me and smiled and gave that regal little head incline thing and gave me a quick little wink. I think my smile must have lit up the entire upper east side.

At that moment I realized we were actually the only two women in the room wearing the proverbial “simple black dress”.

I made the most expensive collect call of my life that night..

Act Fast!

As in NOW- deadline is 2/15. As I had done so a while back, yours truly dropped the ball on passing the word. Figuring most of the people I know are already mighty pissed about this, I sure am!!

I find the fact that the National Park Service is attempting to take away the right ("restrict" my ass) of the citizens of this country to assemble on the National Mall morally repugnant. Obviously to anyone with half a brain it is yet another attempt by the current administration to silence any opposition and take away yet another of our fundamental rights as citizens.

Can you imagine our country if Dr. King had not been allowed to speak that historic day? Any number of causes, be they right or left- the citizens of this country have had the right to stand on that strip of land and tell their government in no uncertain terms how they felt. Frankly I feel that's a cause we can all get behind, no matter what your particular politics might be. I've parked myself in that space more times than I can count, and in all those times and for the many various reasons, I knew damn good an well I was exercising my right as a citizen in the spirit this country was founded upon. I OWN that property damn you!! We all do!! You're sure as hell not going to be telling me what I can do in my back yard Shrub..

So kids head on over here.

And while you're at it make a pit stop here as well. The rights you save may well be not only yours folks, but your grand children's as well..

Get out there Virginia..

and Maryland, and DC.

Sounds weird, but I haven't missed a single election- not even for dog catcher- since I cast my first vote at 18 in 1979. I know there are those that rail that it no longer matters. Screw you. Voting was considered a sacred duty in my family. And I pound that concept into my children. As citizens of a free society, flawed as it might be, you have an obligation and indeed a duty to make the time to go forth and cast your vote.

Many people have died for that right, many still fight to be allowed that basic component of individual dignity. And it only actually works if we go forth and exercise that liberty . There is no doubt a great deal currently wrong with this country. I decry and fear on a nearly daily basis the leaders and events that have gotten us to this point. I am in no way an idealistic individual, I'm a hard nosed pragmatist. But I still have the faith, and I still believe that participatory democracy can indeed work. But only if the people do their part and do indeed participate and make their voices heard.

That said- I hear any shit about "hanging chads" in Florida, I might just start organizing a mob..

I am not a morning person..

But it is rather nice to look out the back door and see this while drinking my first cup of coffee. This my dears is why I tolerate the nut job next door.

I got served..

And I am in no way happy about it. As my loyal readers (both of you) know I live in the semi middle of nowhere, we aren't talking the suburbs here folks. My neighbors are by and large all nice folks, the sort you can borrow a cup of sugar or a bottle of bourbon from. The kind of folks you can call at quarter till three and say you're never going to make it, can they pick up your kids at school. Ice storm hits, and we're all collectively out there with the chain saws dealing with the situation and checking on the old folks. There are naturally a few I wouldn't invite for cocktails, but no hubris there. But there is one I have to say that is a pain in the ass for the entire group. And yep, lucky me it has to be one of my next door neighbors. Thank jeebus for 5 acre lots..

This person has a serious issue- hoarding. Most people keep it in the house, oh no not this person.. The entire lot. At last count (by court records) 15 inoperable vehicles, 7 lawnmowers, 15 weed whackers, 28 cases (yes- huge packing crates) of debris. 18 propane tanks and who the hell knows what else. While I generally am sympathetic to the mentally ill, sorry kids I'm being real NIMBY about this one.. It's my groundwater (we all have wells) it's my property value- my taxes nearly doubled last year due to the housing "boom", which I had no problem with. I drive on county roads and my kids go to public schools. HOWEVER- I can't in any way get full value for my property since I live next to a land fill. Not to mention vermin and the fact that if a fire starts over there I can kiss my ass goodbye- This has gone from weird and annoying to bat shit crazy and trying to run people down in her vehicle nuts..

I digress.. After four long years of litigation (and five years of complaints prior to get it to that point) we're down to the wire, public hearings exhausted and the final judicial bit was to be dealt with today. Well lucky me, yesterday I got served. For the wrong side. Yep I got called for the wrong team. Which is ironic as hell since I have had to testify on 5 different occasions on behalf of either the county or the Commonwealth. The bitch had me served.. The legal term here kids is "hostile witness"- but we got continued till next week as the judge got word his brother quite suddenly died partially through the proceedings, so I can't say more till after the fact.

However- I had to cancel lunch with the darling Red to haul my ass to court, which pissed me off beyond reckoning. I had to call my lawyer, which OK wasn't bad he's a lovely man and doesn't charge for such things anyway, to advise me, I missed going to drool over shoes in the "big city" and also had to cancel a mental health spa appointment which I can only afford about twice a year.. I'm out of sorts dears, in a major way.

But what the hell, I'm meeting the Beast in the "big city" with a friend we haven't seen in ages for dinner, so the mood will no doubt improve. Have a lovely weekend darlings, I'm off to find something red to wear..

Where was I?

Chaos. Absolute chaos. That more or less covers it. It’s been a horribly busy time the past few weeks, complicated by being rather unwell. Not full blown I can hide in bed sick, the kind of sick that allows you to remain upright and mobile, thus hindering recovery.

I’ve tried like hell to get a rather large project finished, and the deadline looms.. But I just can’t seem to get my focus fully together in order to complete the task at hand. Much to my eternal annoyance, and I daresay that of my client. And the more I stress over the impending date, the worse the lack of concentrated effort seems to become. It’s turned into some evil sort of vile back feed loop.

Brother #2 up and had a heart attack. After coming to a loving sisterly acceptance of his stubborn ways- he up and has a heart attack and then doesn’t bother to tell anyone until five days later. I was more than a little put out by this, I can assure you. Actually it was more along the lines of “What the fuck is wrong with you?? I know damn well your wife is capable of dialing a phone so, you TOLD her not to call.” I’m damn sure his best friend, his clients and the damn postman knew, but he didn’t want to call his family?? I really no longer get that man, I truly don’t and I guess it’s time to just give up trying, he’s just not right. And if you think I was pissed, the Old Fart got more than a little put out over it. I mean really, who the hell does this when they’re generally on good terms with their family? Hell who would do it if they weren’t? I just don’t get it.

The estrogen wars have heated up in rather grandiose fashion. There really ought to be some sort of natural law against puberty and menopause in the same house. You know, some sort of survival of the species mechanism that just doesn’t allow it. My normally fairly level female child has turned into someone I no longer know. While I am quite sure it’s temporary in nature, I really wish the aliens would bring her back home and take back this creature they left in her place.

To say the Beast and I have a stormy relationship is like saying it was right breezy in New Orleans the day Katrina hit.. But the storm always blows past and things go back to usual. Took a bit longer this go round.. Which in the midst of all the other shit was really not something that contributed to getting things back on track. I’m the match, he’s the gas, but in spite of it we’ve managed not to blow the joint up in 27 years. But there are those moments that I wonder what one of those lovely conflict free relationships would be like.

I have really tried to put issues in perspective, to be thankful in a genuine and encompassing way for all that I am blessed with. Sadly the current state of mental exhaustion seems to be somewhat at odds with putting matters into a nice zen-like perspective. I’d really prefer to have the old list making, getting shit done me back frankly.. I’m done whining now, y’all go back to what you were doing.

A sinking feeling.

Brother #2 has been at it again. The emergency gall bladder surgery right before the holidays was very troublesome indeed. Somehow things don’t seem to be progressing quite the way they ought to.

Aside from a fresh scar to add to his rather impressive assemblage, I fear that the fun and games of the entire bypass drama made no long lasting impression on the man. That or things are just starting to slide downhill, his recalcitrant ways aside.

While not prone to superstition, I have a deep sense of foreboding every time I speak to him and I hear he’s “just not feeling right yet”. Perhaps it’s paranoia. Perhaps knowing we’ve finally come to a place where we can deal with one another as adults, not merely siblings and I fear he’s going to be taken away from me is simply my problem. But a very reckless youth and it’s damage, a stubborn disposition in middle age all seem to be closing in quickly. Perhaps something got lodged in him many years ago, having dodged death in such grandiose fashion how could something as trivial as an internal organ do him in?

I do so hope I’m terribly, terribly wrong. Because I do love his stubborn, hardheaded ass.

That four letter word.

Let the fun begin! As my dear daughter calls it- “The grand southern ritual of bread and toilet paper”. Yes folks, that nasty four letter word yours truly despises- snow.. A lot of snow coming our way. And since it likes a party it seems to have invited it’s friend sleet along .

Now I really don’t know the rituals involved in other parts of the country in respect to white and icky frozen bits falling from the sky, but around here it sets off a compulsive need in normally sane folks to charge to the grocery store and upon arrival decimate the shelves.. Especially in the bread and toilet paper departments.

Y’all, you will be able to get out tomorrow if you have to! Honest! And since we live in the damn mountains, where it indeed does snow with some regularity, I’d have expected a bit more sense. Worst I ever saw was 6 feet and we were dug out the next day, and if necessary could have made it in to town. Not on your life! The post snow grocery freak out is almost as bad as the pre game festivities.

That said, little ole me did indeed have to go to the damn store this morning. Severe dog food miscalculation on my part, damn! I try my best to avoid driving in the snow for one reason- I always get within the proximity of the guy with a big ass truck that thinks the fact he has four wheel drive makes him 7 feet tall and bullet proof on ice.. And he’s always the jackass that causes the 10-car pile up.

But since the big dog gets pretty cranky when he’s hungry, I decided I would indeed brave the insanity for his growling tummy. Also realizing the boy has no grits and if he doesn’t get grits and cheese in the morning I’ll have both of them giving me the look. I figured around 7:00AM nothing falling yet- this is manageable. What the hell, I was up and dressed anyway.

*Cue Mission Impossible music*

Grab the list off the fridge and haul it on in to town. Parking lot looks sparse- good deal! And the Beast says a grocery list arranged by aisle is anal.. hah! Since I’m there I grab the stuff I’d have gotten anyway, what the hell, why go back this weekend? Coming around the home stretch with my 15 or so items and come to a screeching halt. One register open- ONE. Shit! 10 people queued up already- damn, quick left turn into self-check out, and no line, woo hoo! I should have known it was all going too well.. I had to get the cranky scanner that forces a 10 swipe minimum per item to get it to read. Finally get out of there, toss the movies through the slot at Blockbuster, and away we go..

Within 10 minutes of my arrival home the phone rings. It’s my favorite neighbor. “I’m heading in to town, need anything while I’m there?” Yeah, a ticket to Miami or Rome please..

I think I need to be in time out.

I’ve been in a bit of a vile mood the past few weeks. Winter and I never did get on well, but as I less than gracefully slide into my middle years, it’s gotten worse. The ennui of the past summer is back, and along with it a nasty disposition. I really am a pretty even-tempered person as a rule, but I find myself looking in the mirror wondering who in the hell is that woman looking back at me? Things that would normally merely irritate me are really pissing me off.

Case in point- I received an automated phone call from the high school last week, kindly letting me know the date we have to cough up the cash for Miss Thing’s school ring. I was mildly annoyed. Two hours later I receive a call from the guidance department. Miss Thing came home Friday before last with a handwritten URL for the state Governor’s School and proceeds to say, “Mom, they gave me this and told me I should let them know if we’re interested in applying.” Well yes dear, I looked at the start of school and applications weren’t available yet, please get me the information… Time goes by, no info forthcoming. Therefore last Friday I call and leave a message for the counselor. She calls back. The child’s PSAT scores (they had 10 graders take it this year as a practice run) were one of the highest in the county. OK, so you people can call me to remind me to send a check in for a class ring, but no one thought THIS might actually be fucking important enough to warrant a call? I was not amused.. Deadline for said application was today. Great. Spent the weekend dealing with the application, getting the kid to make with the essay bit and so on and so forth. Draft a note to the nice teachers that I’ll have to politely request to drop whatever else they are doing so letters of recommendation can be done to go with the application by midweek. Sunday after it was all done I snapped. I went off- at myself. Dogs, kids and spouse all scattered, as the times I have actually completely lost it can be counted on one hand- but damn they are memorable.

We live in a very small county and the gifted program is grossly under funded. We made the choice some years back to not push the issue of having her “identified” for multiple reasons. One, there really was no advantage to having the resources used, as she was already in accelerated classes and this process would genuinely do little more than that. Two, I figured if being top of your class, coming up in the 98th percentile of every standard test you’ve administered to her and generally excelling academically since kindergarten wasn’t enough of a clue for you people, well screw you. We’ve paid for all of her outside enrichment programs ourselves and would have anyway. See, my stubborn screw you attitude was the root of this little fiasco. Had she been ‘identified” and on the list, we’d have gotten notification long ago as to deadlines and such. My menopausal Alzheimer’s caused it as well, if you’re going to take a screw you attitude, you’d better be prepared to do your own leg work. Had I any sense I’d have checked back once a week for deadlines and application information. I really think I need to get away for a couple of days- I don’t much care for my own company at the moment. But thanks, I feel a little better since I got that out of my system.

10 Things-

My dear virtual brother Tater has decided that as long as he was humiliating himself, Hat and I ought to mortify ourselves as well. Gee, thanks dear, now I really know you care.. Well this few minutes of embarrassment is better than the home improvement hell in my basement at the moment, so on with the show!


1) Three Exes I would pretend not to know today:

Joe- because we were both such immature assholes. Dave- stalking is just not cool, why could you not just behave like a normal person? Four dates did not qualify me as your life partner. Tammy (don’t give me that look) who couldn't fathom that love and sex can be two completely different things- in spite of the fact that I was painfully clear on that point.


2) The most scandalous rumor to pass through my high school..

That a certain junior gave birth, and proceeded to stuff the baby in a drawer. Sadly it turned out to be true. Baby died and she went to an asylum for a while.


3) The time I Knew Santa didn’t exist.

I seem to recall I was about 8. Brother #2 told me the cold hard facts and I didn’t want to believe him. That Christmas Eve I saw Daddy hauling a bike out of the back of the station wagon and hiding it in the garage, so I sadly knew he was right.


4) The funniest thing I did in a house of worship.

Does sex count as funny?


5) Best excuse I came up with for being out past curfew.

I dropped a friend off at his house after the basketball game and I got lost on my way home. Hey, a person can get lost for three hours, really! Yeah well, they didn't buy it either.


6) Saturday cartoon character I had a crush on.

Race Bannon in Johnny Quest. I think it was the voice that did me in.


7)Cartoon character I wanted to be.

Never noticed a lot of strong female types other than Wonder Woman, though her accessories do totally rock. . I was more of a comic book type myself- the Marvel collection my parents tossed when I moved out could put both my kids through college AND grad school! I’d have to say either Red Sonja or Medusa from the Inhumans. They both kicked some serious ass.


8)Foods I can no longer stomach.

Never could tolerate beef liver or beets. Sorry, they just taste like dirt, and nasty dirt at that.


9)Tacky pick up line you used that worked.

I was never in the habit of picking up strange men.. I let them do the work.


10)Secret Hangover recipe.

Lots of water before bed. Then in the morning (or afternoon, as the case may be) a very large glass of tomato juice, hash browns and then a Bloody Mary or two.

So now I guess I get to pass the mortification around, hey- misery loves company people. I was going to pick on Red. But since I have to face him in a couple of weeks and I don't want him throwing spider rolls at me, I decided to be charitable. You now owe me a drink dear.. My left coast buddy Sling, having such an interesting life- ought to provide us all with some illuminating answers. That and I am sure he has a secret hangover cure we could all benefit from. And my darling Will, because such a cultured gentleman as himself must have some interesting answers as well.. that and I want to distract him for a wee bit.

Have a swell Saturday my dears, I now need to go face that large hole in the side of my house and try not to cry.

Happy New Year!

Well- that was a busy week! First chance to take a walk about blogger town and check in on everyone for quite a while now. Looks like you all had yourselves a merry little Christmas, and I hope a safe and fun New Years Eve.

Christmas was lovely, and that draft of holiday traditions here at Casa de Locos sat so long that its pretty much old and useless news, so on to more current affairs. The big day was loads of fun. We did our part to stimulate the economy and the kids were quite happy with their haul. Baby Sister and the Old Fart came over for dinner and it was a pleasant evening for all concerned. Good food, good booze and loot, what more could a girl ask for?

Let’s see, the little darlings got me books and a lovely cashmere sweater. Because we all know I’m a cashmere ‘Ho. The Beast got me a lateral file- don’t laugh, I needed it. I got him a new alternator and a battery- very thoughtful, don’t you think? Nice of the vehicle to get sick right before the holidays.. Our anniversary was quiet, and kid free for a change. 21 years (legally) and we haven’t killed one another yet, so we’ll call that a win for the home team. Note- if anyone ever suggests you get married between Christmas and New Years, tell them no. The lovely and romantic gift for said occasion was French doors for the basement. I was leaning more towards a trip to Mexico or something, but sadly the door in the basement that is leaking and totally screwing up that exterior wall was a little more pressing than me getting sandy and sunburned.

There’s nothing more romantic than spending your anniversary traipsing through Lowe’s. Myself, I’m a stealth shopper- I know what I want; I get it and get the hell out as fast as possible. The Beast has to spend forever and six more hours wandering all over, causing me to spend much precious energy trying to figure out where the hell he got to now.

I have a brilliant idea! Someone needs to make a little homing button than you clip on your partner the moment you enter said cavern of home improvement products, the other partner gets a hand held GPS tracking device- thus enabling said irritated individual to find their partner without walking 6 miles pushing a rather heavy cart. I myself think it’s sheer genius; hell I’d hand over 5 bucks to rent the damn thing!

New Years Eve was quiet, which was pretty much what I was shooting for. So here we are with a brand new shiny year to put my mark on. I don’t make resolutions, as I consider them self defeating prophecies- but I have decided that the coming year I shall expend more effort into looking around and enjoying all the wonderful people and things in my life and make an attempt to quit bitching quite so much. Except about politics..

Well dears, as it is New Years day yours truly must get to preparations for the traditional feast. I’m not really superstitious, but somehow I really do have to make with the traditional meal of greens, black eyes and pork, as somewhere in the recesses of my brain I am sure disaster shall befall the family unit if I don’t. Well that and the fact that I’ve had that particular meal every New Years day for the past 46 years, why screw with tradition?

Peace, love and kind and gentle blessings be upon you and those you love in the coming year.

Happy Holidays!

Had someone told me a year ago that there would be people in my life that I had never met in the flesh that would become so very, very dear to me- and steer me through some rather hard days, I’d have told them they were barking mad. Life’s funny like that, huh?

My love and wishes dears-

Tater Bug- my dear, sweet virtual brother. I wish upon you peace my dear and strength in the days ahead. Take the gift of what reconciliation you have with your daddy honey and cherish it for what it is. Curious how someone I never got to hug in “reality” has found such a place in my heart..

Hat- Whenever I talk to you, I really do have to remind myself we actually haven’t been friends for decades. Crazy, isn’t it? May the coming year give you more outlets for your brilliance dear girl. The Hurricane sends kisses ;)

Cousin Rainey- So, the reunion is in August, we’ll be expecting you dear. Talk about your crazy karmic coincidences, huh??? Steak & Mushroom soup recipe will be en route to you soon. Best to you, and the Spouse and the Child. Generate some good vibes for my heathen ass this season..

Red- You precious thing you- I’m working on finding a husband worthy of you honey. Tall order, to say the least! But I’ll be trekking to Tysons soon so we can sit down and talk about it.. And trust me buddy, to get me into that neck of the woods takes something pretty damn important.

Sling- get on with your bad ass self.. You sir, are a gentleman of the old school, right and proper. And I indeed mean that in the best way possible. Be safe, watch your possessions and much love to you and the Slinglets..

Wills- your sweet and constant good cheer has made many a bad day better my friend. Be well and give Laurent and Reesie baby a little snuggle just for the hell of it from me. Oh, and I hope Laurent’s trip to see his Mamma goes well- though I imagine that will be the proverbial bag of mixed blessings.. bless his heart- wish there was some wise thing I could say to make it all go away..

Cowbell- Every time I want to get a real case of the ass about the universe, I look at how you manage it and feel inspired, and I thank you for that. You are quite an amazing person and seeing the world from your point of view never fails to either expand my little universe, or validate what I already knew. Enjoy your time with the three offspring, and I pray for no unpleasant issues from the OMFH for at least a few weeks!

Jeff- hang in there sugar! If there were words that could make the next few months somehow easier for you, I wish I knew what they were! All I can say is I genuinely know how hard it is to let go dear, just don’t assume you have to all at once.. Actually, don’t even try- you’ll just have to trust me on that one.

EG- You never fail to make me laugh, think, or do both at the same time! You’ve brightened many a day for me and I do thank you sir.. However it does bear repeating that yours truly has a thing for red angora.. just sayin’ And yes, I am actually shameless.

Gavin- Between the hunk, the douche and the pretty pictures you always make a bright spot in my day. And for that, I genuinely am thankful.

Miss Lynette- My blog Mamma.. you actually were the reason I started my very public private diary. Not that my occasional rants hold a candle to your brilliant writing- you were however the spark. May your holiday be bright (as in WITH electricity) and I hope you and Mike enjoy nothing but the best the coming year may bring.

And to anyone I didn’t mention- nothing personal! I’m way behind in the kitchen department since the lights went out yet again today and if this doesn’t get done now, it pretty much won’t get done at all…

May you and yours enjoy peace, the love of one another and all that fills your heart with joy.

It wouldn't be Christmas-

Without some Brian Setzer..

Project Runway Recap

Well I'm more or less not going to bother because Lorraine and Miss Hat both do such a far superior job, why the heck should my lazy ass bother? and Hat, you rock out loud!!!!!! You are just brilliant girl! Lorraine, you're killing me!

That said- Christian annoys the crap out of me. Chris, honey get it together or you're gone again baby. Sweet P, I love ya, and we could go for drinks and have an absolute blast! Sweetie- long sleeves girlfriend, long sleeves..

So my drinking game was every time I wanted to slap Christian back into last week- drink time. I was pushing plowed halfway into it. Plan B time on that one..


But after being ill and cranky and not in the holiday spirit I decided to make all festive- cause over dressing makes me feel better like that. Is there a 12 step program for red?

Lovely, Isn't it?

Makes me rather wistful that I had to hang up my toe shoes.. Knees really are a poorly designed part. And yes Lorraine, the half naked Sting is indeed part of the appeal, I grant you.

A little frivilous amusement.

I decided to play along with Lorraine and Hat in the dress up for Project Runway game. I also figured the entire universe is tired of me being sick, overwhelmed and whining, I know I am. Frankly I'm annoying the crap out of myself as of yesterday. Yes, I really do totally suck at being sick.





Since getting dressed up always makes me feel better, may as well have something fun on while sipping my glass of Chateau Robisussin '06 and waving at Tim Gunn. You'll have to trust me, works much better on me on than the hanger..

Yes Tate, red doors = bad background choice. Too late now.. Yes Hat, the doors and trim in my bedroom are actually red, but honest, when taken in context it really doesn't scream "bordello"- It's totally Asian modern decor.
I love this crazy, over the top jacket to absolute bits. Keeping in mind that I normally am not a patterns or brocades kind of person- not that they aren't often lovely, but let's be real- on small people you don't generally wear the pattern, it wears you.. Love it, love it, love it and just don't care. The whole assymetrical hem and double collar action.



And equally over the top shoes. Gee, didn't see that coming, did you? Ironically I purchased the shoes three years before I decided on a whim I had to have the jacket. Now the little suede ballet flats do tone the entire thing down, but where the hell is the fun in that?? Yes, yes- ugly dancer feet, now you know why I usually avoid mules..



And can someone please tell me what in the hell was Donna Karan wearing????

Is this week over yet??

Well this week is starting quite badly. Not that y’all care, but I have to whine to someone after all..

Let’s see, the Beast was ill and passed it on to me. I don’t get sick often, so I really try and overachieve when I do. This my dears is gonna turn ugly- mark my words. Let’s see- fever? Check. Elephant jumping up and down on my chest? Check. Ice pick sensation in the ears? Right. OK, on with the show. And the best part, the Beast is now out of town on business- oh joy. But then again, I do tend to be a leave me alone sort when ill, and the whole nurturing thing really isn’t his bag. The kids however will take care of me, once I pick them up from school that is.. They tend to get mildly freaked when Mom is sick and bless them, do tend to be very sweet.

So since I know it’s about to seriously hit the fan I tried to get some work done today. Hasn’t worked out too well, but hey, I tried.

Yesterday when the hacking and snorting started, guess who showed back up on the doorstep? Yep, the lost children returned. That was a short, but peaceful 24 hours. In theory they were coming back to pick up their stuff. The supposed friend's basement they were to be moving into suddenly wasn’t going to be available for a few weeks as the other folks were having trouble moving out.. Uh, huh.. Well normally I’d have given such a statement some credence. At this point-umm, no. Not buying it. The Hurricane is missing a chunk of cash, my phone bill is going to give me a stroke next month, I guarantee you, and I saw not one single proactive effort to rectify the situation in respect to getting their shit together. Looking at rental properties that take up 95% of the sole working person’s monthly take home whilst the other partner made no effort whatsoever to find gainful employ does not strike me as proactive, productive or even realistic in any way…

So I (meaning we) did the hardest thing I’d ever had to do to another person. I said no. Sorry. Not going to do any more. You’re not family, we’re not even close friends and we have extended ourselves as far as we’re willing and more than we’re capable of managing- you need a qualified social worker to sort this out. Here are the numbers (again) for all the transitional housing programs and shelters in a 60 mile radius.

Yes, I knew full well they’d be sleeping in a car and I did it anyway. And I feel like total shit about it. I mean seriously uncomfortable with myself.. But I know in my bones this is the only way they are going to get any sort of motivation to face and deal with the situation. But I still feel like crap about it either way. And I am in no way trying to make “holier than thou”- but seriously if my kids were facing such a situation Miss Dora would be working 14th Street in a mini skirt in the snow, checking at the 7-11 and two other jobs, if that’s what it took to take care of my kids…

And the ironic thing is, had we really seen genuine effort to get their act together, they’d still be here and they just don’t get that. I’m just a heartless self- centered bitch. Oh well, so be it. This heartless bitch has a family of her own to worry about.

Forget fruitcake..

Beefcake for Christmas and supporting an excellent cause, what more could you want? Did I mention hunky firefighters sans shirts?? Ahh, now I have your attention, don't I?

Over 80% of the firefighters in New Orleans lost their homes and all of their possessions after Hurricane Katrina. The fire stations themselves were also badly damaged. While they now have the basic equipment they need to fight fires, what they don't have are station house uniforms – they've been coming to work in their own jeans and t-shirts.

You can help give their morale a boost by giving a New Orleans Firefighters Look Hot 2008 Calendar. All proceeds are going to purchase station house uniforms for every firefighter in the city. Every red cent goes straight to the effort.

Considering all these guys did, go forth and do a little guilt free gifting, not to mention the whole hot guys in uniforms bonus. Talk about win-win!

And feel free to share this lovely gift idea- hint, hint.

I get by with a little help from my friends

don't get high with a little help from my friends anymore, unless the occasional Chardonnay binge counts... However-

I know full well I am one of those people that genuinely needs to be connected in some fashion or another to others. I need my peeps! It's just the way I am. Which is perhaps the reason why my Ohana is so large.. But in truth I'm just lucky to have so many wonderful friends, neighbors and colleagues in my life.

But to tell the truth, I tend not to vent or give the entire unvarnished ugly to many people, and to those few, rarely. Which is probably why my very public, secret blog 'o my life is so precious to me. The friends I have made here are very much a part of my Ohana as well. The fact that we've never met in the flesh really doesn't mean jack, the human spirit can connect without being right next door, or even on the same continent. Kindred spirits find one another. A professor of mine once told me that communities of the heart are created in many different ways, and if you open yourself up to possibilities, your life will be enriched ten fold. So true. Mine sure has been.

I thank you all for letting me whine the past few weeks, and for being a part of my Ohana.. Will, you rock! And cheered me up more than you'll ever know! Very musical, yes? Ironic as hell, isn't it? And I'm not even catholic..

And a special thanks to my virtual brother, and totally non-sexual crush- my one and only Tater bug- you made it all right honey and I love ya! You are the absolute best my sweet, may the Goddess always smile upon you and yours. I'll be wearing something new and red at the Christmas Parade tomorrow just for you! Thanks baby, I really needed that very gentle little kick- love ya!

Thank you all for hanging in there with me and taking care of me! Blessings and peace upon all of your houses.