All the news that fits.

Not that anyone actually cares, but it’s been quite the busy couple of weeks at Casa de Locos. Let’s recap the high points, shall we?

The crazy neighbor had the final court date. The judge (finally) found her in contempt of the last court order and gave her 6 months- suspended. Provided she’s a good girl and does nothing to impede to county’s clean up of the horrendous mess. Well considering the day after this she showed up at the sheriff’s office with a bucket of black snakes- no I’m serious- and stated the property was infested, I expect more shenanigans are planned. If nothing else, it ought to make for some fireworks of some sort when they do finally show up. And apropos of nothing- where in the hell do you get a bucket of live black snakes in the dead of winter in the mountains??? Bat shit crazy I tell you, bat shit crazy..

Miss Thing now officially has her learner’s permit. Next, the wonderful task of behind the wheel training. I really have to borrow a video camera.. So I call my nice insurance guy, no really he’s a great guy, to ask if I have to do anything, and his first response was “Holy Shit!” This from a man I have known for over twenty years and have never heard utter a single curse word. He laughed and apologized, but couldn’t help himself, he couldn’t fathom for a moment that she could possibly be that old. Tell me about it..

The Hurricane got his braces off- stage one of this lovely process. And was quite the happy boy. Until they took x-rays and realized his adult canines are literally coming in sideways. Great.. So the poor kid has to have all four of the baby canines pulled, and is none too happy about the prospect. Neither is my wallet, but I guess coughing up 400 bucks to prevent the 2 grand we’ve already spent from getting screwed up is pretty much non-negotiable. Now I just have to find the 400 bucks.. Always something, isn’t it? But I ask you; seriously, these are baby teeth we’re talking about it can’t be all that darn involved, really! Would it work if I just had him start wiggling them for an hour a day? What a racket..

The Hurricane has a girlfriend. Part of me is thinking- Oh isn’t that precious?? The other part is thinking- Oh shit, now it starts.. He’s cute and the barn door is now open sister, you’re in trouble. Yes he’s mine and I’m supposed to think he’s adorable, blah blah blah . He’s adorable. Just ask Uncle Tate and Uncle Wills.. I do give the boy credit however, he picked a winner. Cute as a button, honors student, athlete and an older woman (11) to boot.

Just had to pick the truck up from the shop today- oh great there goes another 500 bucks down the drain.. Oh goody. Didn’t really need or want that. But I suppose anti lock brakes are one of those things you really can’t get around living at the top of a mountain.

Job hunt- it sucks. The hunting isn’t so bad; it’s the rejection part. Now I do more or less have the hide of a rhino, and I realize the market is tight right now, but seriously it is indeed an employers market out there. The last interview I had, whilst listening to the duties requested I was tempted to inquire if I would also be required to balance a basket of fruit on my head and dance the fucking flamenco as well.. Perhaps I’m just too old to tolerate stupid crap, that could be it. It certainly wasn’t the suit or the shoes..

Now that everyone is bored to tears, but assured I’m alive (thank you for your kind email inquiries) go on about doing something interesting with your extra day for this year..

Me and Jackie, we were tight like that..

Long ago in the dim recesses of time- you know the late seventies- I had an encounter in New York that dear Al inadvertently reminded me of the other day. I thought it might give him a smile.

I had more or less bailed on my very proper upbringing and ventured off to the wicked city to pursue my dream of being the next Gelsey Kirkand. Well, let’s just say that knees are a very poorly designed body part and we’ll leave it at that, shall we? Well yours truly was pretty much having a ball. Working hard at dancing, doing the occasional modeling gig to make some cash and partying my ass off more or less. I lived in a second floor walk up on Christopher Street. Yes, really. Myself, two anorexic psychotic models and a drag queen named Ramon/Ramona shared a two bedroom apartment. I opted to room with Ramona because the other two pretty well annoyed me. Let’s say it was a learning experience. All I know about makeup dears was learned there. I still miss you R..

I had met a quite fetching young man that I rather liked and he invited me to a very fancy gathering that his parents demanded he attend, a schmoozing thing for the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Well, as he was quite good looking, and let’s be real- completely loaded in the trust fund sort of cash reserve way, I accepted. Give me a break, I was flat broke and he was actually quite a nice guy in spite of the trust fund.

Well this did pose a bit of a problem. I had decamped to the metropolis with the leotards and such, the punk princess wear and the disco queen stuff. I had nothing even vaguely appropriate. So, I did what any sensible girl would do , I called my Mamma..

Well bless her heart, she called a shop she was quite well acquainted with and made an appointment for me to acquire something appropriate. While I never did learn what the conversation actually consisted of, I have a deep and abiding suspicion she said something to the effect of “put her in something by Monsieur de Givenchy- period.” Yes, I ended up with the quintessential Givenchy “little back dress”. And she naturally sprang for shoes and a bag, she was like that. You were indeed the best Mamma..

And it was a smashing dress. Very simple, immaculately tailored and I felt like a princess the moment I put it on. Trust fund boy and I arrived for this big soiree and I felt a rising sense of panic when we walked in. All the women were doing the late seventies pre “Dynasty” thing.. I felt like the ugly duckling in a room full of peacocks. Thus, I was feeling very awkward and quite out of place as the simple southern deb in her black dress and pearls.. The pater and mater were quite charming truthfully, and I proceeded to have actually a relatively pleasant evening.

And then it happened. The one and only Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis showed up. I must say I did consider fainting as an option. Really. While trying to be cool and not stare while she was making the quick rounds of the various loaded patrons, and I wasn’t the only one, I was literally captivated watching her.

She approached the mater and pater and did the quick, how lovely of you to come bit, and went to move along. She looked at me and smiled and gave that regal little head incline thing and gave me a quick little wink. I think my smile must have lit up the entire upper east side.

At that moment I realized we were actually the only two women in the room wearing the proverbial “simple black dress”.

I made the most expensive collect call of my life that night..

Act Fast!

As in NOW- deadline is 2/15. As I had done so a while back, yours truly dropped the ball on passing the word. Figuring most of the people I know are already mighty pissed about this, I sure am!!

I find the fact that the National Park Service is attempting to take away the right ("restrict" my ass) of the citizens of this country to assemble on the National Mall morally repugnant. Obviously to anyone with half a brain it is yet another attempt by the current administration to silence any opposition and take away yet another of our fundamental rights as citizens.

Can you imagine our country if Dr. King had not been allowed to speak that historic day? Any number of causes, be they right or left- the citizens of this country have had the right to stand on that strip of land and tell their government in no uncertain terms how they felt. Frankly I feel that's a cause we can all get behind, no matter what your particular politics might be. I've parked myself in that space more times than I can count, and in all those times and for the many various reasons, I knew damn good an well I was exercising my right as a citizen in the spirit this country was founded upon. I OWN that property damn you!! We all do!! You're sure as hell not going to be telling me what I can do in my back yard Shrub..

So kids head on over here.

And while you're at it make a pit stop here as well. The rights you save may well be not only yours folks, but your grand children's as well..

Get out there Virginia..

and Maryland, and DC.

Sounds weird, but I haven't missed a single election- not even for dog catcher- since I cast my first vote at 18 in 1979. I know there are those that rail that it no longer matters. Screw you. Voting was considered a sacred duty in my family. And I pound that concept into my children. As citizens of a free society, flawed as it might be, you have an obligation and indeed a duty to make the time to go forth and cast your vote.

Many people have died for that right, many still fight to be allowed that basic component of individual dignity. And it only actually works if we go forth and exercise that liberty . There is no doubt a great deal currently wrong with this country. I decry and fear on a nearly daily basis the leaders and events that have gotten us to this point. I am in no way an idealistic individual, I'm a hard nosed pragmatist. But I still have the faith, and I still believe that participatory democracy can indeed work. But only if the people do their part and do indeed participate and make their voices heard.

That said- I hear any shit about "hanging chads" in Florida, I might just start organizing a mob..

I am not a morning person..

But it is rather nice to look out the back door and see this while drinking my first cup of coffee. This my dears is why I tolerate the nut job next door.

I got served..

And I am in no way happy about it. As my loyal readers (both of you) know I live in the semi middle of nowhere, we aren't talking the suburbs here folks. My neighbors are by and large all nice folks, the sort you can borrow a cup of sugar or a bottle of bourbon from. The kind of folks you can call at quarter till three and say you're never going to make it, can they pick up your kids at school. Ice storm hits, and we're all collectively out there with the chain saws dealing with the situation and checking on the old folks. There are naturally a few I wouldn't invite for cocktails, but no hubris there. But there is one I have to say that is a pain in the ass for the entire group. And yep, lucky me it has to be one of my next door neighbors. Thank jeebus for 5 acre lots..

This person has a serious issue- hoarding. Most people keep it in the house, oh no not this person.. The entire lot. At last count (by court records) 15 inoperable vehicles, 7 lawnmowers, 15 weed whackers, 28 cases (yes- huge packing crates) of debris. 18 propane tanks and who the hell knows what else. While I generally am sympathetic to the mentally ill, sorry kids I'm being real NIMBY about this one.. It's my groundwater (we all have wells) it's my property value- my taxes nearly doubled last year due to the housing "boom", which I had no problem with. I drive on county roads and my kids go to public schools. HOWEVER- I can't in any way get full value for my property since I live next to a land fill. Not to mention vermin and the fact that if a fire starts over there I can kiss my ass goodbye- This has gone from weird and annoying to bat shit crazy and trying to run people down in her vehicle nuts..

I digress.. After four long years of litigation (and five years of complaints prior to get it to that point) we're down to the wire, public hearings exhausted and the final judicial bit was to be dealt with today. Well lucky me, yesterday I got served. For the wrong side. Yep I got called for the wrong team. Which is ironic as hell since I have had to testify on 5 different occasions on behalf of either the county or the Commonwealth. The bitch had me served.. The legal term here kids is "hostile witness"- but we got continued till next week as the judge got word his brother quite suddenly died partially through the proceedings, so I can't say more till after the fact.

However- I had to cancel lunch with the darling Red to haul my ass to court, which pissed me off beyond reckoning. I had to call my lawyer, which OK wasn't bad he's a lovely man and doesn't charge for such things anyway, to advise me, I missed going to drool over shoes in the "big city" and also had to cancel a mental health spa appointment which I can only afford about twice a year.. I'm out of sorts dears, in a major way.

But what the hell, I'm meeting the Beast in the "big city" with a friend we haven't seen in ages for dinner, so the mood will no doubt improve. Have a lovely weekend darlings, I'm off to find something red to wear..

Where was I?

Chaos. Absolute chaos. That more or less covers it. It’s been a horribly busy time the past few weeks, complicated by being rather unwell. Not full blown I can hide in bed sick, the kind of sick that allows you to remain upright and mobile, thus hindering recovery.

I’ve tried like hell to get a rather large project finished, and the deadline looms.. But I just can’t seem to get my focus fully together in order to complete the task at hand. Much to my eternal annoyance, and I daresay that of my client. And the more I stress over the impending date, the worse the lack of concentrated effort seems to become. It’s turned into some evil sort of vile back feed loop.

Brother #2 up and had a heart attack. After coming to a loving sisterly acceptance of his stubborn ways- he up and has a heart attack and then doesn’t bother to tell anyone until five days later. I was more than a little put out by this, I can assure you. Actually it was more along the lines of “What the fuck is wrong with you?? I know damn well your wife is capable of dialing a phone so, you TOLD her not to call.” I’m damn sure his best friend, his clients and the damn postman knew, but he didn’t want to call his family?? I really no longer get that man, I truly don’t and I guess it’s time to just give up trying, he’s just not right. And if you think I was pissed, the Old Fart got more than a little put out over it. I mean really, who the hell does this when they’re generally on good terms with their family? Hell who would do it if they weren’t? I just don’t get it.

The estrogen wars have heated up in rather grandiose fashion. There really ought to be some sort of natural law against puberty and menopause in the same house. You know, some sort of survival of the species mechanism that just doesn’t allow it. My normally fairly level female child has turned into someone I no longer know. While I am quite sure it’s temporary in nature, I really wish the aliens would bring her back home and take back this creature they left in her place.

To say the Beast and I have a stormy relationship is like saying it was right breezy in New Orleans the day Katrina hit.. But the storm always blows past and things go back to usual. Took a bit longer this go round.. Which in the midst of all the other shit was really not something that contributed to getting things back on track. I’m the match, he’s the gas, but in spite of it we’ve managed not to blow the joint up in 27 years. But there are those moments that I wonder what one of those lovely conflict free relationships would be like.

I have really tried to put issues in perspective, to be thankful in a genuine and encompassing way for all that I am blessed with. Sadly the current state of mental exhaustion seems to be somewhat at odds with putting matters into a nice zen-like perspective. I’d really prefer to have the old list making, getting shit done me back frankly.. I’m done whining now, y’all go back to what you were doing.