In Memorium

Well, here we are- it will be two years on July 3rd Mamma, and I still have days I don’t quite process that you’re gone.. I miss you so very much. I can’t count the number of times I’ve picked up the phone to call and tell you some silly thing or another, and realized I couldn’t any more. And felt bad that I didn’t do it more often when I still had you here..

The kids are fine. They do miss their Grandma, and they try to be as gentle as possible with Grandpa so as not to cause unintentional pain. He’s a mess without you, but you knew that was coming- after nearly 60 years with you he’s not capable of tending to himself anymore. But it’s OK, he’s living with Baby Sister now- and while the cranky old bastard and the lesbian in the same house has it’s comical moments.. we’re collectively trying our best to take care of him. But really, we could make a sitcom out of this easily.. I know your sense of humor, you'd be laughing your ass off.

Your memorial was lovely, really. D.B. gave the most beautiful eulogy. Not a dry eye in the house. But the worst thing is having to see you in the mirror every day. Every sweet old thing in the place told me you were the most beautiful and gracious woman they had ever known. And it’s true- you were all that and more. Given the time and place you were raised, that was all they expected from you. The fact that you were smart as well was a frustration to you in many ways, I now know just how much. Anyone with eyes can tell I’m your daughter- but let’s be real, while I resemble you, that breath taking beauty you had was yours, not mine. But that’s OK, I came out reasonably well in the genetic lottery, I’m not complaining. Just look at the grandchildren.. OK they are mine and I’m supposed to think so, but that’s a pair of good looking, very bright humans- the thread remains and will go on Mamma, and I know how important that is to you.

Brother 2 came up for father’s day- which was very sweet.. But we’ve not been relating real well since you died.. I finally figured it out- it really hurts him too much to be around me. While he has a hard time admitting it- comments like “You sound just like Mother” when I’m telling the Hurricane to get his elbows off the table.. or that somewhat puzzled look I see from time to time on his face when he’s staring at me and doesn’t think I see. I realize it’s hard for him to be reminded. It’s OK, I know he was the favorite- and I don’t mean that in a bad way,-really. Got over it years ago.. You nursed him through cancer, and surgery and radiation and chemotherapy.. now that I’m a mother myself I understand Mamma, I really do. We finally talked about it- as opposed to him walling me off- and I think it’s all OK now.

I must admit, having the deputy sheriff call and tell me they found you dead in the bathroom after a bridge game, while Daddy was in complete shock after finding you was a little weird. I always thought it would be something a bit gentler- with time to say goodbye. I still feel like a real ass for not calling that morning like I had planned to..

But you know what? I finally get it. And I am so sorry I didn’t while you were alive. All those angry years when I didn’t understand the alcohol abuse, the torment you were going through- but I guess I have to forgive myself for that too. You felt your job was to make every one else happy, and I expect you lost yourself in that. Must have really sucked for you. But you know what? No one could work a dining room like you.. Daddy had enough sense all those years and keep his ass in the kitchen and let you run the front for a reason. The food was great, but they all came back for you. Flick of the wrist that no one else would ever notice- two servers and a busboy came magically to your side. And you made every one feel special- a mechanic and his wife on their anniversary or a First Lady and her detail. You had a gift for making anyone and everyone feel special, at ease and very important. And the cool thing about it- it was all real.. anyone that came through that door was special to you.

Thanks for loving me even when I was being the child from hell.. and for that matter kudos to me for at least being the only one of your children that made an attempt to understand you as a person.

I love you, and I really miss you.