Friday, February 13, 2009

Chapter 1: Wherein our heroine unwittingly steps into a parallel universe. And does not like it one bit.

In this parallel reality she finds her son, the typical messy unkempt 11 year old boy, has turned into a creature who not only bathes regularly without prompting, but suddenly is channeling his inner Hedi Slimane. And to add insult to injury is fielding calls from multiple girls for hours on end each evening. But luckily remains sweet and cuddly and remembers to tell his Mom he loves her at least five times a day.

Her husband, the man who is generally oblivious, up and made dinner reservations. On his own. With absolutely no prompting. And chose an absolutely fabulous restaurant- on his own. This from the man that could care less about food and thinks the entire concept of a tasting menu is moronic and given the choice would rather be eating at Gracie’s Diner. She ponders the import on the assumption he's banking brownie points for something really, really bad.

Her daughter, the self directed straight A student, who has never given her parents a moment of anything resembling real trouble in her nearly 17 years, pulled a C as her final in Spanish. This is not a letter of the alphabet that has ever been sighted on an actual report card. She simply didn’t bother with trivialities like homework for that class. And to further add insult to injury said child has decided that the favored class for the repeat performance is going to be AP Calculus. Oh great, please do pick the one that counts for college credit!! Upon being confronted, the obstinate teen declares the world is going to hell in a hand basket , all she has to look forward to is a life of corporate servitude and she really doesn’t give a damn about anything. At which point our heroine comes to the thundering realization she’s really fucked this up- but simply can’t put her finger on what precisely and realizes she has no idea how to go about fixing this one. And she really, really wishes to find the exit to her actual universe posthaste.

16 comments:

Sling said...

Click your heels together 3 times,and repeat,'There's no place like my Universe..There's no place like my Universe'..
No?..
I got nothin'.

Doralong said...

Sling- I've tried 5 different pairs of shoes and one pair of boots- no dice. But, as always, you're a dear and good friend for trying.

Gavin said...

You had me laughing with the headline.

If it's any consolation, I took AP Calculus in HS and four semesters (okay, five, cause I flunked Cal IV the first time) in college and never used a lick of it in life.

I always joked that I can't balance a checkbook, but I can tell you the area under a curve!

yellowdoggranny said...

well........she has a point.

Willym said...

Okay words of wisdom from someone who has no children - aren't they always the once to give word's of wisdom.
1. Good for the Hurricane - this is what happens when you are a good looking young man - you've often said he takes after you - not that you are a good looking man but you know what I mean.
2. Spouse may have had a bit of an epiphany when he took ill.
3. With Child of the female gender - please cast you mind back to when you were 17. Is there a possibility you were a bit of a rebel, maybe a nihlist, maybe even a bit bohemian and radical? Just asking.

Yeah I know none of this helps but...

Tate said...

The only option for you at this point in time is to change YOUR universe. I opt for Manhattan socialite of vast wealth, who keeps a cadre of gay men on the side to go dining, shopping, and attend gallery openings with.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my! Sometimes the Universe will just smack you upside the head!

evilganome said...

It's sorta karmic balance. You get the newly considerate husband and son. On the downside, you get a 17 year old daughter. Having lived through the second half of this equation, you have no idea of what you are going to have to put up with.

I suggest a Catholic Girls boarding school... oh, scratch that, I think you already know what happens when you try that scenario.

Good luck, you'll live through it. Just drink heavily.

more cowbell said...

Oh honey ... I'm so sorry, but that's not an alternate universe of make believe. This is the very real universe you get sucked into through the black hole called Kids Growing Up. You can click your heels til the cows come home, you ain't goin' nowhere.

Just wait 'til the son brings home 13 cakes on his birthday from the admiring throng, or until the daughter decides to minor in Partying 101 in college, which really throws a wrench into the whole calculus and Spanish thing.

My sympathies.

sageweb said...

Wow your daughter is sooo right. But life is better ..it just seems bad looking through such a long narrow tunnel.
I just confused myself

Doralong said...

Gavin- I'm pretty sure she won't use it- but the whole deciding to tank her GPA thing is the source of my irritation.

Granny- I know. makes it right hard to get up on the old parental high horse, doesn't it?

Wills. 1- I know he's mine and I'm not supposed to think so, but he really is a cute little shit. 2- The jury is still out on that one my friend. 3- Mamma's curse, plain and simple.

Tate- See, not THAT'S the one I was supposed to be in all along!

Citizen- Ain't it the truth?

Tony- So you keep telling me! But you lived through it, I guess I can.

CB- Yep, that's the direction the whole thing is heading. And you have mine as well sister!

Sage- Actually I understood you- therefore one of us no doubt ought to be concerned.

Jeff said...

Sounds like it took a while for her teenage to kick in, but all is well- it's here.

Elizabeth said...

Oh I hate it when the kids go all Sybil on you. My teens finally came out of the weird alternate universe that had abducted them for a few years. No advice except try not to murder anyone, and hang in there.

booda baby said...

Do they offer great holiday deals in those alt universes? Sometimes, you land in one where the tiniest of fortunes have this weirdo elasticity and can stretch alllllll around the globe, several times. It's so cool. I mean, if you land in one of those universai.

If you're in one which physics that operate just like your normal one and only the people are behaving strangely ... I think the best thing is to realize that YOUR rules suddenly change, too. I'd test them out.

Doralong said...

Jeff- Oh it's here all right!

Elizabeth- I am trying very hard to maintain my composure, I swear I am!

Booda- not in this one, if that were the case I'd be heading to Rio for Carnivale. And the rules are indeed changing and I fear there will be people that are going to be very very unhappy about it.

Jamey Hecht said...

Not one bit? It sounds like everybody over there is learning and growing. I know you didn't ask for input, but here are some words of encouragement and respect for you. A "C" in Spanish is just a C in Spanish. No college worth attending is going to judge her by her grade point average; if they're interested in doing any actual teaching (instead of being a credential mill) they'll judge her by the way she sounds when she speaks honestly about what she cares about. Your daughter, who sounds wonderful, happens to be quite right. Corporate wage-slavery is exactly what the culture is planning for her and all her friends. The way for her to have a shot at a happy, self-directed life full of fascination and creativity is to get curious about exactly what is going on in the world, how bad it is, how it got this way, and how she and her people can get through it with some dignity and a healthy lunch. If she can connect her rebellion to her intellect, she'll be JUST FINE.

May I recommend some books?
Depletion & Abundance, by Sharon Astyk.
Reinventing Collapse, by Dmitry Orlov.
The Long Emergency, by James Kunstler.
http://www.poetrypoliticscollapse.blogspot.com