Dear Blonde lady in the lavender Escalade,
As you were very obviously in a terrible hurry to get to a no doubt crucial appointment concerning the transition or the stimulus package or some such, I wanted to take a small moment to bring a little matter to your attention that I’m sure you were too busy to take note of.
When you swerved over into my lane and nearly hit the car in front of me as well as myself, you may not have noticed the five or six other vehicles that also narrowly avoided a large and dangerous pile up. And when you essentially slammed on your brakes to make that right into the nice gated community, this did rather make the rest of us somewhat uncomfortable.
On behalf of the others involved in this incident, as well as myself, I’d like to offer a small primer, if you will, regarding announcing your intentions to those around you whilst behind the wheel.
I would suggest the following instructions be followed in a nice safe place like your driveway, with the vehicle in park. Once you are seated, you will observe in front of you the steering wheel- this is the thing you place the hand that doesn’t currently contain your cell phone or lipstick on. Good. Now if you look carefully to the left- the left side is the side where the hand that has excessively the large diamond on it is- there is a thing sticking out of the wheel on that side. This is called either a turn signal or an indicator, because it announces your intention to turn your vehicle to other drivers. Clever, no? Now push down on it, hear the clicking sound? Excellent! You just communicated that you are going to turn left (ring side, remember?) now if you push it upwards you’ll hear the same clicking sound and it tells others you mean to turn right (that’s the side where your purse is sitting dear) and then back to the middle.
Like any new skill this can be no doubt daunting, but I have full confidence that with practice you’ll have it down in no time! And if I may, one more small matter. The small child that was roaming about the back end that got slammed into the window when this occurred may well have sustained minor head trauma, you may want someone to take a look at that. In the future you can save yourself the inconvenience of having your child’s head x-rayed if you utilize the seat belts the nice car manufacturers put in the vehicle. Just a thought.
Kindest regards,
Dora Smith Long
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12 comments:
Too bad this person that this was intended for probably can't read. I have had days where I have wanted to "help" other drivers too.
Sadly Sage is right - if she can read it is probably only Town and Country and then only for the pictures.
Here in Italy turn signals are, I believe, an option when you buy a car; and if bought are merely there for decorative purposes.
I always had a theory that drivers in my old home in Ottawa thought that turn signals were invented to give the car an extra push so you only turned them on as you were making the turn - to act sort of like a booster rocket.
Not to be critical, but darling, were you really expecting any signs of intelligence from someone who was driving a lavender Escalade. (the mere thought makes my skin crawl)
Also, I am pretty sure if the spawn crawling around the back of the SUV was hers, hitting it's head probably did the least amount of damage.
"lavender Escalade" That's all the diagnostic informatin I need, thanks.
I actually followed a couple to their house, parked behind them and gave them the same speech about the turn indicator..they were livid..and old..said I didn't give a f(*^ if they were going to pull out in front of me with no turn signal they were going to have to suffer the consequences...I smiled all the way home.
Don't forget to remind her that those fragile looking two wheeled vehicles she's about to squash because she failed to look right when she makes a right hand turn are bicycles.
I'm not certain that the Ecsaladay even has turn signals- never actually seen one use them.
Poor dear driving, I'm sure she meant to signal but would have had to put down one of the cell phones she was talking on.
I 'm guessing she was probably texting her bff, or her lawn boy. Lavender? Oh boy...
Haha re: Willym's reply.
Oh, but now it's my turn. I suggest this post be turned into a pamphlet for nation-wide distribution at a small fee. (Small fees add up to fortunes, that's how I figure it.) Actually, neighborhoods could band together and pay someone to stand on corners with required stops and pass these out to all those in probable need. I don't like to profile, but you CAN pick them out of a traffic lineup.
Sigh. We thought it would get better when cell phones went illegal, but ... nope. They still use them.
Sage- Good point, I hadn't thought of that.
Wills- I never heard that theory, but it does make sense.
Tony- I know, I was merely being optimistic.
Citizen- yep, that pretty well covers it.
Jackie Sue- You really are my hero!
Sling- May the Goddess protect any in her immediate vicinity!
Jeff- Ecsaladay! HAA! Perfect!!
Tate- Oh honey! Not only that but Pearlescent Lavender at that!!
Booda- Brilliant idea!!
Holy paint jobs - pearlescent lavender? On an Escalade? Well no fucking wonder.
CB- yep, there you have it in a nutshell.
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